Today, was as many other days before them… I organized the dogs’ morning meals and packed two up to make the trip to Saskatoon U of S for their Hip/Elbow X-rays and Heart Certifications. Water, check. Paper towels, check. Leashes, check. Poop bags, check. Dogs packed, kids seat belted in, Diet Pepsi in the cup holder for the drive. We were set. Had I known then, that our lives would change in an instant this day, I would have chosen to stay in bed. Warm, safe, comfortable and with things as they always had been.

I had a weird feeling that morning, nothing I could put my finger on and say “ah ha, I must stay home today” but a feeling that I would not be arriving at the Vet Clinic, helping the techs hold my dogs in place for the X-rays. Premonition? A warning? I don’t know. Maybe it is merely my way of trying to make sense of what was to come. I phoned Steve twice from the highway to try to tell him that everything was working well, but I couldn’t get a hold of him…was this my way of trying to tell myself it was going to work out ok, or try to convince myself of something that I feared may happen would not? 

        I had always been able to mentally plan out my visit on the way there, to anticipate problems and work out a plan so things went smoothly. All should have been well. The night before, we put new tires on the vehicle, the week before that, a total overhaul, clean up and repair of all that was falling apart or almost worn out. Yes, today SHOULD have gone smoothly. But, it didn’t.

        On the 2 hour drive there, I had plenty of time to let my mind wander to upcoming events…The National next year, Upcoming planned breedings, Wondering who would be at the National, Getting reacquainted with old friends, Meeting new ones, Time to think about where to meet up with other Golden friends for lunch that day… and always the highly anticipated bi-yearly trip to Early’s & Critters for doggie treats and treasures.

        It was a nice warm winter day, the frost coming out of the ground…sun warming everything.  A perfect day for the drive I thought.

        We were coming through the valley at Blackstrap… the truck was running well…I was glad all the fixes had worked out,  we were right on time, and it seemed like there was no ice on the road so I put the Expedition on Cruise Control. As I drove up the hill to the opposite side of the valley, the SUV started to swerve, and pulled harder to stay at the set speed, we swerved harder and I touched the brake to release the cruise control…all too little, all too late. Our vehicle veered violently to one side and then the other, the back pulled us into the center ditch…we flipped over side over side, in a sort of slow motion that gives you the false impression that you can stop or alter the events. Like an action movie, only real.  I counted at least 2 rolls, and I would argue… three. When the vehicle came to a stop on the other side of the divided highway, I was sitting at the middle of the hill, IN the middle of both lanes of oncoming traffic. A frantic call to Ethan and Austin, to ensure they were still alive and a quick survey of what wreckage and disarray the truck was in let me know, all was not well. I looked back at the kennels in the back of the SUV, only one appeared to be still intact. Oh God, my dogs! I looked on the road and immediately saw Cruiser lying in a pool of blood in the passing lane. In my frantic attempt to move our truck out of the traffic lane and attend to him, I found the wheel was knocked off. The truck was going no further. I ran from the vehicle and went to Cruiser. It was then I saw Solitaire, running down the highway looking at the wreckage from the other side of the divided highway. I knew Cruiser was is bad shape so opted to try to get Solitaire back in the truck then attend to Cruiser. By now vehicles had stopped and had seen the debris scattered across 4 lanes of traffic, through the ditch and had started to help weed through the impossible task of making sure we were all ok, and that no one else got hurt as a result of this mess. People were stopping traffic, THANKFULLY…and calling for more help…I called to Solitaire, would she come? Would she be too scared to try? Would she be hit by a car trying? No, thank goodness…Solitaire ran right to me. I co- own Solitaire with Dawn & Darrell Drummond, so I wasn’t sure she would even come to me. How do you call someone and tell them that their pet is injured, or dead? I couldn’t imagine it. I WOULDN’T imagine it. This part had to turn out ok, it HAD to. I put her in the back seat with the boys and went to Cruiser. I thought Cruiser was dead, he looked limp and lifeless until I got right up to him. He looked at me and sighed. I picked him up and I took him to the side of the road to see if there was anything I could do for him. I felt his heart beat and saw him blink his eyes once, I spoke to him in the language we all use with our beloved pets… called him by the “name only I call him” and told him how sorry I was that he had to go through this. He lifted his head, and wagged his tail. I knew he heard me…I held my broken and bleeding and beloved Cruiser in my arms, my hand on his heart…knowing each beat may be his last…and I whispered to him to take a deep breath and that he should go, so the pain would stop. I told him again that I loved him. He lifted his tail again and then he was gone. I covered him with a blanket so the boys would not see him and that he could have the dignity that all our beloved pets deserve and sobbed through my pain… trying to make sense of the chaos.

        The ambulance people arrived first and the police shortly afterwards. The by-standers held and talked with Solitaire until the Police arrived and she then took command of his car.

        Battered and bruised, scared and scarred I tried to tell the boys that “Cruisie” had gone to heaven and that I had held him so he could get there faster. They wanted to see him, although that was not possible since they might have had injuries and were prevented from leaving the car until the neck collars were in place, then they were loaded in the ambulance with me.  I couldn’t stop the wave of their pain at losing him, I felt helpless, as I had holding Cruiser, to know that I could not fix it for them or fix it for Cruiser.

I felt despair, guilt and relief all at the same time. Despair at my loss, my Cruiser, who was only going to Saskatoon to get his hip X Ray so he could go train to be A Search and Rescue dog with Plius Daverne, the loss of my friend Cruiser, who I hoped understood that I would have taken it back if I could have, and my overwhelming despair and guilt at being the one he trusted, the one who loaded him in the vehicle to make this fateful drive. Despair about knowing that all would not be ok and that we would live with the scars from this moment for the rest of our lives, the loss of our vehicle, our personal items spread on the highway for 50 feet… Guilt for using cruise control and not knowing any better, for not being able to protect my sons and my dogs from all the pain they must feel, I could only try to help them see that we were lucky to be alive… 

Relief, that it wasn’t worse…  that no one else was injured or that no one else hit us while we were positioned in the middle of the highways, partially obscured out of sight from the hill. Relief and gratitude, that I wasn’t picking my sons off the highway, or that I was dead leaving them to be afraid and alone. Gratitude that we would all heal: eventually,  and that we got a second chance, when it was so apparent that by looking at Cruiser, it really could have been any one of us, or ALL of us. Gratitude for all the people who stopped to try to help, the lady who hugged me in my blood soaked clothes and told me how sorry she was that I had to say good-bye to my dog … I may never know her name but her face is clear in my mind. The wonderful ambulance men and women who let me cry and let me know that there was no judgment. There were so many wonderful strangers who came to help, so many I will never know their names.

        I hope that this will prevent you from having such an incident in your lives, and I struggle to think back into past information and discussions to what I had known about using Cruise Control and vaguely remember hearing that Cruise Control should not be used in the winter. Now it is VERY clear.  Added to that  of course is that Seat Belts are essential. I am not proud to say that before this day I was only a casual seat belt wearer, at best. Now, a serious seat belt advocate and promoter.

        There will never be another Cruiser, and I know that. He will be forever in my heart, my thoughts and I think my nightmares as I remember this day. 

Each dog we love takes a special piece of your heart, to own forever for that time they are with you… and when they are gone, although we are reluctant to trust again, we do (or we should try), knowing and believing that they really do give MUCH more than they ask from us…and that even though it is difficult, we will love again… and each new furry face, pair of bright eyes and wagging tail holds promise of that undying devotion, that bond that ONLY another dog lover can understand.

Please remember to wear your seat belt, take the extra moment to crate your dog, and don’t use Cruise Control in the winter. ( My hard learned lesson that I hope you learn without having to re-live my nightmare.)

        Make sure you tell the people close to you that you love them and do the same for your Golden pal. You can never say it too much.